missing.

i guess what i miss most is the companionship. not the significant other kind necessarily, though that's nice, but the friendship. the comfort of knowing they're there to talk to when you need them, the comfort of their presence when simply hanging out, the comfort of knowing you can call them at a moment's notice and grab a slice of pizza.

i hesitated for so long because i knew i would probably get hurt. to be honest, i really had no intention of falling as hard as i did - i'd thought that our compatibility would only "fit" up to a certain level and at which things would start falling apart. i guess to some degree, that did happen. however, it happened in a way that i had not anticipated, and i guess i'm hurt simply because of that fact - i'm hurt.

i'm so very tired of trying. so very tired of living up to a moral principle that i hold to my own of "give your very best and do everything you can" - that's been my demise since the very beginning. i have insane restraint in the first few phases, before i even have the chance to get hurt. but once i let my guard down and i start to share me with those i care about, no longer do i have restraint. all i want to do is give, and be there, and be their support, and be their guiding light, and be there to pick them up when they fall, to be a friend, to be a lover, to be their number one fan. it's hard to accept that for others, what i give doesn't matter, nor does it ever occur to them to give back. i know i shouldn't give to expect to receive, but giving selflessly to something that requires two to work guarantees that it won't work.

i miss you. i wish i could tell you that. i miss you so much.

i miss your hugs.
i miss your eyes.
i miss you making me eat things when i'm not hungry.
i miss laying on the couch.
i miss taking up the bed.
i miss the moments where i think you might possibly love me one day.
i miss your warmth.
i guess above all, i just miss you.