"you should always be able to make the favorite dish of the one you love."

he'd said.

dreams.

there was once a time in history when all everyone ever wished for was to remain asleep forever.

now is that time.

imagination.

is a strange thing. is there something eternally that elevates you just as high, but remains with you throughout your deepest lows?

music plays somewhere distant, far away.

for every discernible note, rhythm and melody hits harder than anything we wish we'd ever known.

why must there be chapters?

you walk slowly. with self precedence you take in stride the looks that seem to linger long after you pan their _____. but something, you can't shake. and look, ___________. stop. turn. turn in all positive directions, and line the clock that spins as fast as our life, you are nothing out of your ordinary. the extroardinary. you keep walking, and look over at him.

"what is it? "

"nothing."

"it's something"

"yes. it's something"

it was that look. turns that continued to linger even long past and like everything else he'd ever done, that stayed with you. something you couldn't shake.

"i'd like to be there, with you,"

"where?"

"there." as you point to the floating crane above the city skyline.

"oh."

you wake, staring against the thickness of the air that surrounds you.

"remember when we were here that long time, looking for those pigs that didn't exist?

he smiles. "yes."

"and how we kept asking everyone if they knew where they were, but no one did and they looked at us all crazy?"

he smiles. again. "yeah."

you sigh the times away. and you see that look. that miniature in those eyes that you grew to accept, then love. and at your last desperate attempt.

the heart beats truer every time.

tonight.

i
fall
asleep
by
the
water.

a matter of delicacy where delicacy is (unknown).

delicacy.

in the ghosts of our faded winters, our faded seasons.

nights.
memories.
walks.
notions.
hugs.
kisses.
(everything.)

(a pause)

the obligatory beat is taken, boggled with thoughts that seemingly do not mean anything.

(but what did they know?)

(p.s. they didn't)

it's morning.
and
anything
that
had
been
left
from
the
night
before
is
now
gone.
and
now
desperately
we
want
it
back.
but
it
has
long
since
left.
and
stormed
away
with
our
moon.

her

may had come. as she knew it would. many years ago, when she was younger and still had lots more of this to learn, she'd already been here. not on these sides of these walls, though, no. not like this. he looked at her. the air was heavier than the silence that day. he'd asked

"what are you thinking?"

"i love you."

"i know"

"yeah."

"i'm sorry i dragged you into this."

"me too."

"but i care about you so much."

"i know."
(she knew)

"will i ever see you again?"

"maybe. someday"
(maybe.)

and it begins. it happens. it loves.

and it leaves.

and they'd hold onto each other, written their own dreams of what ought to had been. where they ought to had gone. where they ought to go. but neither of them knew. she was to be going away for awhile. for at least (at long least) a little while. and maybe...she'd come back, eventually. for she always dies. tangible or not, it didn't matter. for there were more souvenirs than just things they'd buried alongside the shore. there were those that had been buried long before

it happened.

and she'd be gone, just like that. he'd be gone, too. both back their lives they led before, aware of a change they wished never happened. but now it was too late.

"where do you want to be?"

"with you."

"there."

"there."

(he'd look at her...kiss her...hold here close to him, knowing he should let go)

"we'd be in sicily. in that phonebooth i told you about."

"you'd kiss me and tell me something."

"yes. i would."

"know what i'd do?"

"..."

he kisses her.

she fades. into black.

this is fucking bullshit.

because we started how we started, i'm now the one second guessing everything. i'm now the one practicing restraint because of how much i was hurt in the beginning. i'm now the one who consistently can't get over whether you're actually into this, us, me, or whether you're just trying to convince yourself you are.

i said what i said, so i can't break things off. given what's already happened and what's happening, i'll be damned if this ever works out. so what do i do? do i just wait until you call it off? question is, will i have gotten over this at that point and fallen truly in love with you, or do i just grow more and more bitter by the day and act surprised when this train finally crashes and burns?

open letter. to you, this time.

hello,

it's me here. i told you i'd never give up on you and i still won't, and though i'll always be here if you need me, i'm going to cut myself off from you. it's hard enough to accept the fact that my offers of friendship not only consistently get turned down, but more often do i never hear back from you than the courtesy to let me know that you politely decline or that you even acknowledge what i'm trying to do. i finally recognize now that i am truly being taken for granted, and it's almost worse now that we are trying to be friends than when we were trying to make a relationship work.

in being taken for granted, my efforts to let you know that someone out there cares and will always be here for you not being somewhat acknowledged at the very least, is more detrimental to me, my heart and health than i'd originally thought i could deal with.

there are two responses i get from you, either an apathetic "eh" or nothing at all - most times the usual response is nothing at all. nothing then, later, or ever.

i offered to cook you food when you were hungry.
i offered sleep and solace when you were tired.
i offered friendship and companionship when you were alone.
i offered massages when you were in pain.
i offered an ear when you were ready to talk.
i offered a helping hand when you couldn't carry the weight alone.
i offered random emails and texts just to wish you a great day and remind you that someone out there was thinking about you.
i offered random notes that you might find when you least expect to let you know that you were on my mind.

i guess none of those really ever mattered.

all i ask is please don't forget who i was. if i end up never having held any significance to you, that causes me irreparable pain but i am what i mean to you and i guess at some point, it will have been nothing.

love,

___

open letter to _ _ _.

dear _ _ _,

thank you for destroying the only thing i've truly cared about in the last almost four years. thank you for probably destroying him for the rest of his life. very rarely does anyone experience the level of undying love and compassion that he gave to you and for some reason, still does, yet you chose to toss it about like a ragged old stuffed toy, and eventually, throw it away. i don't think he'll ever get over you - he'll probably only start to when and if you get married. and even then, i know he'll forever wish it was him, and wonder why it never was. he was in love with you and still is now for close to ten years. people live for sixty, seventy years on this planet and never find love as deep as what he gave to you.

please remember, not only did you break him, but you've consequently broken every girl that will have ever cared about him.

love,

___

missing.

i guess what i miss most is the companionship. not the significant other kind necessarily, though that's nice, but the friendship. the comfort of knowing they're there to talk to when you need them, the comfort of their presence when simply hanging out, the comfort of knowing you can call them at a moment's notice and grab a slice of pizza.

i hesitated for so long because i knew i would probably get hurt. to be honest, i really had no intention of falling as hard as i did - i'd thought that our compatibility would only "fit" up to a certain level and at which things would start falling apart. i guess to some degree, that did happen. however, it happened in a way that i had not anticipated, and i guess i'm hurt simply because of that fact - i'm hurt.

i'm so very tired of trying. so very tired of living up to a moral principle that i hold to my own of "give your very best and do everything you can" - that's been my demise since the very beginning. i have insane restraint in the first few phases, before i even have the chance to get hurt. but once i let my guard down and i start to share me with those i care about, no longer do i have restraint. all i want to do is give, and be there, and be their support, and be their guiding light, and be there to pick them up when they fall, to be a friend, to be a lover, to be their number one fan. it's hard to accept that for others, what i give doesn't matter, nor does it ever occur to them to give back. i know i shouldn't give to expect to receive, but giving selflessly to something that requires two to work guarantees that it won't work.

i miss you. i wish i could tell you that. i miss you so much.

i miss your hugs.
i miss your eyes.
i miss you making me eat things when i'm not hungry.
i miss laying on the couch.
i miss taking up the bed.
i miss the moments where i think you might possibly love me one day.
i miss your warmth.
i guess above all, i just miss you.